This farmer has 500 hens but no rooster so he
goes to his neighbor and asks him if he could buy a rooster for $100.
The neighbor says, "You can have this rooster. His name's Roy.
He'll
get all your hens pregnant. He's a real stud."
So the
farmer takes him home and says, "It's your first day so take
it
slow, okay?"
The farmer puts Roy in the hen house and then hears
all the hens crying
and yelling. Roy nailed every one of those hens
and then nailed a duck
and a goose at a pond.
The next
morning the farmer finds Roy lying dead with his legs sticking
in the
air and buzzards circling overhead.
The farmer says, "Roy, did
you have to die?"
Roy says, "Quiet! They're about to land!"There was a farmer who
had a lot of live
stock. He had cows, horses, chickens, pigs, and bulls.
One day a
terrible twister came and the man and his family were only
saved by
throwing themselves in the nearest ditch. After it was all over,
he
looked up to see that the house was gone. Saddened by the loss, he
went out to see if any of the animals had survived. The horses,
chickens, pigs, and cows were laid out flat but the bulls were standing! The
farmer was amazed and asked them, "How is it that all the other
animals
are down and you are still standing?" The bulls replied, "We
bulls
wobble but we don't fall down!"A jogger running down a country road
is
startled as a horse yells at him "Hey-come over hear buddy". The
jogger
is stunned but runs over to the fence where the horse is standing
and asks"Were you talking to me"? The horse replies"Sure was, man
I've got a problem. I won the Kentucky Derby a few years ago and this
farmer bought me and now all I do is pull a plow and I'm sick of it.
Why
don't you run up to the house and offer him $5,000 to buy me.
I'll
make you some money cause I can still run." The jogger
thought to
himself,"boy a talking horse" Dollar signs started appearing
in his head.
So he runs to the house and the old farmer is sitting
on the porch. The
jogger tells the farmer"Hey man I'll give you
$5,000 for that old
broken down nag you've got in the field". The
farmer replies"Son you
can't believe anything that horse says-He's
never even been to
Kentucky.On a rural road a state trooper pulled this
farmer over and said:
"Sir, do you realize your wife fell out of the
car several miles
back?"
To which the farmer replied: "Thank
God, I thought I had gone
deaf!"A big-city lawyer was representing the railroad
in a lawsuit filed by
an old rancher. The rancher's prize bull was
missing from the section
through which the railroad passed. The
rancher only wanted to be paid
the fair value of the bull.
The
case was scheduled to be tried before the justice of the peace in
the back room of the general store.
The attorney for the
railroad immediately cornered the rancher and
tried to get him to settle
out of court. The lawyer did his best selling
job, and finally the
rancher agreed to take half of what he was asking.
After the
rancher had signed the release and took the check, the young
lawyer
couldn't resist gloating a little over his success, telling the
rancher, "You know, I hate to tell you this, old man, but I put one
over on you in there. I couldn't have won the case. The engineer was
asleep and the fireman was in the caboose when the train went thr
ough your
ranch that morning. I didn't have one witness to put on
the stand. I
bluffed you!"
The old rancher replied, "Well,
I'll tell you, young feller, I was a
little worried about winning
that case myself, because that durned bull
came home this
morning."Seems a guy was driving for hours thu desolate
country when he passed a farmhouse, and before he could react, a
cat ran
out in front of him and*splat*... he flattened the cat. Out
of kindness
and consideration, he stopped, turned around and drove
back to the
farmhouse to notify the occupants. When the housewife
came to the door,
said he, "Pardon memadame, but I just ran over a
cat in front of your
house, and assumed that it must belong to you. I
know this might be hard
to hear, but Iwanted to let you know
instead of just driving off...."
"Not so fast", says she. "How do you
know it was our cat? Could
youdescribe him? What does he look
like?"
The man promptly flopped down on the ground, and said "He
looks like
thts"as he gave his best shot at a dead cat impression.
"Oh no, you *horrible* man", she replied. "I meant, what did he
look
like*before* you hit him?"
At that, the man got up
, covered his eyes with both hands and
screamed"Agggghhhhhhhhhh
!!!!!!"A lone tourist who is passing through the
suburbs on the way to town by car, unfortunately experiences mechanical
problems with the automobile. The car stalls and the tourist parks
the
car by the side of the road and waits for help.
Not
much later, a farmer happens to pass by with a truck full of farm
animals. The farmer offers the tourist a lift to town and proceeds to
explain that he is bringing his farm animals to the town market, where
they will be auctioned off to the highest bidders.
Well, it
so happens that on the way to the town, the farmer being so
engrossed in his story, unintentionally wanders into the other side of
road where another vehicle is approaching in the other direction.
The farmer realizes his absent mindness and attempts to avoid the
possible collision with the other vehicle. He just misses the other car,
but
unfortunately crashes the truck into the side of the road.
The tourist
winds up thrown into a ditch and suffers broken ribs
and a broken arm
and leg and is obviously in extreme pain. The farm
animals are all
messed up very badly and the farmer, although
remaining inside the vehicle,
still suffers cuts and scrapes.
The farmer gets out of the truck and looks at his farm animals.
The chickens all have broken limbs and can barely move. "These
chickens are all useless! Nobody will want to buy these chickens anymore!"
bellows the farmer. With that, he grabs and loads his shotgun and
blows
away the chickens.
Next, he sees the pigs and they are
all lame and bleeding profusely.
"These pigs are all worthless now!
I'll get nothing for them!" yells
the farmer. With great rage, the
farmer reloads his shotgun and blows
away the pigs.
The
farmer looks at the sheep and they all have broken limbs and their
wool is all bloodied. "Worthless sheep!" screams the farmer and wit
h
that, he reloads his shotgun and blows away the sheep.
Meanwhile, the injured tourist witnesses all of this carnage in great
horror.
The farmer then moves over to the side of the ditch
and looks at the
tourist. "Are you okay down there?" asked the
farmer.
"NEVER FELT BETTER IN MY ENTIRE LIFE!!!" the tourist yelled
back.An aged farmer and his wife were leaning
against the edge of their
pig-pen when the old woman wistfully recalled
that the next week would mark
their golden wedding
anniversary.
"Let's have a party, Homer," she suggested. "Let's kill a
pig."
The farmer scratched his grizzled head. "Gee, Ethel," he finally
answered, "I don't see why the pig should take the blame for
something
that happened fifty years ago."Howard County Police officers still
write
their reports by hand, and the data is entered later by a computer
tech into their database. One theft report stated that a farmer had
lost 2,025 pigs. Thinking that to be an error, the tech called the
farmer
directly.
"Is it true Mr. (Smith) that you lost 2,025
pigs?" she asked.
"Yeth." lisped the farmer.
Being a Howard
County girl herself, the tech entered: "Subject lost 2
sows and 25
pigs."A man is driving down a country road, when he
spots a farmer standing in the middle of a huge field of grass. He
pulls
the car over to the side of the road and notices that the
farmer is just
standing there, doing nothing, looking at
nothing.
The man gets out of the car, walks all the way out to the farmer and
asks him, "Ah excuse me mister, but what are you doing?"
The
farmer replies, "I'm trying to win a Nobel Prize."
"How?" asks
the man, puzzled.
"Well, I heard they give the Nobel Prize . . .
to people who are out
standing in their field."1 | 2 | 3 | 4 | 5 |  |
