A lawyer with insomnia consulted her doctor.
"Which side is it best to lie on?" she asked.
"The side that pays
your fee," replied the doctor.A defendant was
on trial for murder. There
was very strong evidence indicating guilt,
but no corpse had been
found. In the defense's closing statement the
lawyer, knowing that
his client would probably be convicted, decided to
try a trick.
"Ladies and gentlemen of the jury, I have a surprise for you all,"
the lawyer said as he looked at his watch. "Within one minute, the
person presumed dead in this case will walk into this courtroom!"
He looked toward the courtroom door. The jurors, somewhat
stunned, all
looked, eagerly. A minute passed. Nothing happened.
Finally, the lawyer said, "Actually, I made up the previous statement.
But you all looked on with anticipation. I therefore put it to you
that
there is reasonable doubt in this case as to whether anyone
was killed
and insist that you return a verdict of not guilty."
With that, the jury retired to deliberate. But after only a few
minutes, they came back and pronounced a verdict of guilty.
"But how?" the lawyer asked. "You must have had some doubt. I saw
all of you stare at the door."
"Oh, yes," the jury foreman
replied. "We all looked - but your
client didn't!"A big-city lawyer was representing the railroad
in a
lawsuit filed
by an old rancher. The rancher's prize bull
was missing from
the section through which the railroad passed. The
rancher only
wanted to be paid the fair value of the bull.
The case was scheduled to be tried before the justice of the
peace
in the back room of the general store. The city-slicker
attorney
for the railroad immediately cornered the rancher and
tried to get
him to settle out of court.
He did his best selling job, and
finally the rancher agreed to
take half of what he was asking.
After the rancher had signed the release and took the check,
the
young lawyer couldn't resist gloating a little over his
success,
telling the rancher, "You are really a country hick, old
man, but I
put one over on you in there. I couldn't have won the
case. The
engineer was asleep and the fireman was in the
caboose when the t
rain went through your ranch that morning. I
didn't have one
witness to put on the stand. I bluffed you!"
The old rancher
replied, "Well, I'll tell you young feller, I was a
little worried about
winning that case myself, because that
durned bull came home this
morning."If two lawyers were drowning,
and you could
only save one of
them, would you read the paper or go to lunch?The bartender asks him
"What'll you have?".
The guy answers,
"A scotch, please". The bartender hands him the
drink, and
says "That'll be five dollars", to which he replies "What
are
you talking about? I don't owe you anything for
this".
A lawyer, sitting nearby and overhearing the conversation,
then
says to the bartender, "You know, he's got you there. In
the original
offer, which consitutes a binding contract upon
acceptance, there
was no stipulation of remuneration". The
bartender's not impressed,
but says to the guy, "Okay, you
beat me for a drink. But don't
ever let me catch you in here
again".
The next day, same guy
walks into the bar. Bartender says,
"What the hell are you doing in
here? I can't believe you've
got the audacity to come back!".
The guy says "What are you talking about? I've never been in
this place in my life", to which the bartender replies "I'm
nvery sorry, but this is uncanny. You must have a double."
To
which the guy replies "Thank you! Make it a scotch."A lawyer named Strange died, and his friend
asked the
tombstone maker to inscribe on his
tombstone, "Here lies Strange, an
honest man, and a lawyer." The
inscriber insisted that
such an
inscription would be confusing, for passersby would tend to
think
that three men
were buried under the stone. However he suggested an
alternative: He
would inscribe, "Here
lies a man who was both
honest and a lawyer. That way, whenever anyone
walked by the
tombstone and read it, they would be certain to remark: "That's
Strange!"A local United Way office realized that it had
never
received a donation from the town's most successful lawyer.
The person
in charge of contributions called him to persuade him to
contribute.
"Our research shows that out of a yearly income of at
least $500,000,
you give not a penny to charity. Wouldn't you like to
give back to the
community in some way?" The lawyer mulled this over
for a moment and
replied, "First, did your research also show that
my mother is dying
after a long illness, and has medical bills that
are several times her
annual income?" Embarrassed, the United Way rep
mumbled, "Um...no."
"-or that my brother, a disabled veteran, is
blind and confined to a
wheelchair?" The stricken United Way rep began
to stammer out an
apology but was interrupted, "-or that my
sister's husband died in a
traffic accident," the lawyer's voice rising in
indignation,
"leaving
her penniless with three children?"
The humiliated United Way rep,
completely beaten, said simply, "I
had no idea..." On a roll, the
lawyer cut him off once again: "-so
if I don't give any money to
them,
why should I give any to
you?"Why don't lawyers play
hide-and-seek?
Nobody will look for them.What's the difference between a lawyer
and
a
trampoline?
You should take your workboots off
before
you jump on a trampoline.What is the proper weight for a
lawyer?
About 3 pounds, .......not counting the urn!1 | 2 | 3 | 4 | 5 |  |
