A drunk stammers out of a bar
and runs into two priests. He runs up to them and says, ''I'm
Jesus
Christ.''
The first priest says, ''No, son, I'm
Jesus Christ.''
So the drunk says it to the second priest.
The second priest replies, ''No, son, I'm Jesus Christ.''
The drunk says, ''Look, I can prove it.'' and walks back into
the
bar with the priests.
The bartender takes on look at the
drunk and exclaims, ''Jesus
Christ, you're here again?''There were these three
brothers that were
very close to each other. The brothers always went to a
local bar on
every Friday at 5:30 on the dot.
When the brothers
got married they all got married to their wifes to be
on the same
day and at the same place.
When the brothers moved away from
each other to go on with their lives
with their new wife, they all
promised each other that they would still
go to the bar every friday
at 5:30 and drink for each other.
On the first Friday that the
brothers were separated, the first brother
went to a local bar and
ordered three drinks. He took one sip from the
first glass the took
one sip from the second glass then from the third.
He did this
until all the beer was gone, then he paid the bartender and
went home.
This kept up for about three week before the bartender finally
asked
why he did that. The guy explained about the promise th
at he had with his
brothers. The bartender said that he thought
that was a very good
promise to keep with each other.
One day
the same guy came in and asked for only two glasses of beer.
The
bartender thinking something awful has happened, said "I am awfully
sorry about your brother."
The guy not knowing anything about
what the bartender was talking about
said "What happened to him?" The
bartender said that when he only
ordered two drinks instead of
three he thought that something awful had
happened.
The brother
then said "No, nothing happened to my brother, I just
decided to
give up alcohol."A man walks in to a bar and
says to the
bartenter " Give me twenty shots of your best singlemalt
scotch quick!"]
The bartender pours the shots, and the man drinks
them as fast as he
can.
The bartender says " Wow. I never
saw anybady drink that fast."
The man says " well you would drink
as fast as I do if you had what I
have."
The bartender says
" Oh my god . what is it. what do you have?"
The man looks at
him and says " Fifty cents."A guy stumbles
through the
front door of a bar, ambles up to the bartender and orders a
beer.
The bartender looks at the drunk man and says,"I'm sorry sir, but
I
can't serve you...you've already had too much to drink." The
guy
swears and walks out of the bar.
Five minutes later the
guy comes flying through the side door of the
bar, and yells for a
beer.
Again the bartender says,"I'm sorry, sir...but I can't
serve
you...you've already had too much to drink!"
Ten
minutes later, the same guy comes barrel-assing through the back
door
of the bar, storms up to the bartender, and demands a beer.
Again, the bartender says to the man..."I'm really sorry, sir, but
you've had too much to drink...you're going to have to leave!"
The guy looks quizzically at the bartender and says finally, "My God,
man... How many bars do you work at?!!!"One day an Englishman, an
American, and a Canadian walked into a pub together. The proceeded to
each buy a pint of Molson Canadian. Just as they were about to enjoy
their beverage three flies landed in each of their pints.
The Englishman pushed his beer away from him in disgust.
The
American fished the offending fly out of his beer and continued
drinking it as if nothing had happened.
The Canadian picked the fly
out of his drink and started shaking it
over the pint, yelling...
"SPIT IT OUT, SPIT IT OUT YOU BASTARD!!!"A man is in a bar having a
drink. The guy next to him falls off of his barstool. The man picks
up
the guy and sits him back on the barstool, and he falls off
again. This
time he picks the guy up and asks, ''Where do you
live?''
Being a kind soul, the man takes the guy to his car, puts
him in the
back seat, and drives him home. When they get to the
guy's house, the
man helps the guy out of the car, but he falls down 3
times before
getting to the front door. The man rings the doorbell
and the guy's wife
comes to the door. The man says, ''Hello,
I've brought your husband
home.''
The wife looks at the man
and asks, ''Where's his wheel
chair?''A Congressman was once asked
about his attitude toward whiskey. "If
you mean the demon drink
that poisons the mind, pollutes the body,
desecrates family life, and
inflames sinners, then I'm against it.
But if you mean the
elixir of Christmas cheer, the shield against
winter chill, the taxable
potion that puts needed funds into public coffers
to comfort little
crippled children, then I'm for it. This is my
position, and I
will not compromise."A
cowboy walks in to a
bar and says," I want a beer." So after he drank
his beer he was
about to leave then he noticed that his horse was
gone.He shouted," if
i dont get my horse back after this beer i am gonna
have to do what
i did in Georgia. So he finished his beer and he saw his
horse was
back so he got on and rode a little, then the bartender asked
out
the window what did you have in Georgia? i had to walk home.A
hotdog walks into a
bar and orders a beer.
The bartender replies, "Sorry, we don't
serve food here".An armless man walked into a
bar which is empty except for the bartender.
He ordered a
drink and when he was served, asked the bartender if he
would get
the money from his wallet in his pocket, since he has no arms.
The bartender obliged him. He then asked if the bartender would tip the
glass to his lips.
The bartender did this until the man
finished his drink. He then asked
if the bartender would get a hanky
from his pocket and wipe the foam
from his lips.
The
bartender did it and commented it must be very difficult not to
have arms
and have to ask someone to do nearly everything for him.
The man
said, "Yes, it is a bit embarrassing at times.
By the way, where is
your restroom?"
The bartender quickly replies -,
"The
closest one is in the gas station three blocks down the
street."1 | 2 | 3 | 4 | 5 |  |
