A local priest and pastor stood by the side
of
the road holding up a sign that said, "The End is Near! Turn
yourself
around now before it's too late!"
They planned to
hold up the sign to each passing car.
"Leave us alone you
religious nuts!" yelled the first driver as he
sped by.
From around
the curve they heard a big splash. "Do you think," said
one clergy
to the other, "we should just put up a sign that says
'bridge
out' instead?"A little girl spoke to her teacher about
whales.
The teacher said it was physically impossible for a whale
to swallow a
human because even though it is a very large mammal,
its throat is very
small.
The little girl said, "But how can
that be? Jonah was swallowed by a
whale."
Irritated, the
teacher reiterated that a whale could not swallow a
human. "It is
physically impossible!" she said.
Undaunted, the little girl said,
"Well, when I get to heaven I will
ask Jonah."
To this, the
teacher said, "What if Jonah went to hell?"Old Mrs.
Watkins awoke one spring morning
to find that the river had flooded the
entire first floor of her
house. Looking out of her window, she saw
that the water was still
rising.
Two men passing by on a rowboat shouted up an invitation
to row to
safety with them. "No, thank you," Mrs. Watkins replied.
"The Lord will
provide." The men shrugged and rowed on.
By
evening, the water level forced Mrs. Watkins to climb on top of the
roof for safety. She was spotted by a man in a motorboat, who offered
to pick her up. "Don't trouble yourself," she told him. "The Lord
will provide."
Pretty soon, Mrs. Watkins had to seek refuge
atop the chimney. When a
Red Cross cutter came by on patrol, she
waved it on, shouting, "The
Lord will provide."
So the boat
left, the water rose and the old woman drowned.
Dripping wet and
thoroughly annoyed, she came through the pearly gates
and demande
d to speak to God. "What happened?" she cried.
"For cryin' out
loud, lady," God said, "I sent three boats!"A
priest was called away for an
emergency. Not wanting to leave the
confessional unattended, he called his
rabbi friend from across the street
and asked him to cover for
him.
The rabbi told him he wouldn't know what to say, but the priest
told
him to come on over and he'd stay with him for a little bit
and show
him what to do.
The rabbi comes, and he and the
priest are in the confessional. In a
few minutes, a woman comes in and
says, 'Father, forgive me for I have
sinned.'
The priest
asks, 'What did you do?'
The woman says, 'I committed
adultery.'
The priest says, 'How many times?'
And the woman
replies, 'Three.'
Priest: 'Say two Hail Mary's, put $5 in the
box, and go and sin no
more.'
A few minutes later a man
enters the confessional. He says, 'Father
forgive me for I have
sinned.'
'What did you do?'
I committed adultery.'
r
'How many times?'
'Three times.'
The priest
says, 'Say two Hail Mary's, put $5 in the box and go and
sin no
more.'
The rabbi tells the priest that he thinks he's got it, so
the priest
leaves.
A few minutes later another woman enters
and says, 'Father, forgive me
for I have sinned.'
The
rabbi says, 'What did you do?'
The woman replies, 'I committed
adultery.'
The rabbi, getting it off pat, says, 'How many
times?'
The woman replies, 'Once.'
The rabbi said, 'Go and
do it two more times, We have a special this
week, three for
$5.'A Jewish guy called Jacob finds himself in
dire
trouble. His business has gone bust and he's in serious
financial
trouble. He's so desperate that he decides to ask God for help.
He goes
into the synagogue and begins to pray
"God, please
help me, I've lost my business and if I don't get some
money, I'm
going to lose my house as well, please let me win the
lotto".
Lotto night comes and somebody else wins it.
Jacob goes back
to the synagogue.
"God, please let me win the lotto, I've lost
my business, my house
and I'm going to lose my car as
well".
Lotto night comes and Jacob still has no luck!!
Back to the
synagogue.
"My God, why have you forsaken me?? I've lost my
business, my house,
my car and my wife and children are starving. I
don't often ask you
for help and I have always been a good servant to
you. Why won't you
just let me win the lotto this one time so
I can get my life back in
order???".
Suddenly there is a
blinding flash of light as the heavens open and
Jacob is confronted
by the voice of GOD himself:
"JACOB, MEET ME HALF WAY ON THIS ONE,
BUY A DAMN TICKET""And how much of that stack of hay did you
steal, Kavanaugh?" the priest asked at confession.
"I might
as well confess to the whole stack, your Reverence," said
Kavanaugh. "I'm goin' after the rest of it tonight!"O'Toole
worked in the lumber yard for
twenty years and all that time he'd been
stealing the wood and
selling it. At last his conscience began to bother
him and he went to
confession to repent.
"Father, it's 15 years since my last
confession, and I've been
stealing wood from the lumber yard all those
years," he told the priest.
"I understand my son," says the
priest. "Can you make a Novena?"
O'Toole said, "Father, if you
have the plans, I've got the
lumber."Q. Who was the greatest financieer in the
Bible?
A. Noah. He was floating his stock while everyone else was in
liquidation.Q. Who was the greatest female financier in
the Bible?
A. Pharaoh's daughter. She went down to the bank of the
Nile and drew
out a little prophet.Q. What kind of man was Boaz before he got
married?
A. Ruth-less.1 | 2 | 3 | 4 | 5 |  |
